Today’s the Super Bowl—with no New England team, yet with Patrick Mahomes to watch, along with the brilliant commercials and halftime show. It’s a national event!
I remember Super Bowl days with my first husband, driving up the Mass to Maine coast, no one on the road, for lunch in Kittery. He didn’t watch football. Today, I’ve already planned the food, and wouldn’t miss it.
Meanwhile, here are some edits that might help. Remember, it’s your writing and you can write anything you want, any way you want—if you don’t care about your audience.
- Be consistent. If you introduce multiple characters intending to contrast them, make sure you don’t leave any characters out.
- Sophie is much noisier than her brothers, Tsang and Joseph. Just the other day, I heard her wailing from down the street. As I approached the house, her wail intensified; Tsang’s protest was like the rustle of leaves.
- Mention Joseph, too: Poor Joseph presses his hands over his ears each time Sophie reads aloud.
- Adoption is a singular event in time.
- Don’t say this: When she was first adopted, she liked to test her mother’s limits. (A first implies subsequent.)
- Try this: After her mother adopted her, she tested her mother’s limits.
- Don’t say this: Her adopted daughter, Lisa knew how to get around her resistance.
(Calling out an event from the past to define a child, such as adoption, is hurtful to that child, especially if there other children were born to the family, whether siblings or cousins. It makes such children feel less welcome.) - Try this: Her daughter, Lisa knew how to get around her resistance.
- Delete unnecessary words.
- Don’t say this: He didn’t have any trace of a beard.
- Try this: He had no trace of a beard.
- Don’t say this: His hair cascaded down, brushing the blue tunic he wore.
(If he wore it, it’s his.) - Try this: His hair cascaded down, brushing his blue tunic.
- Don’t say this: Shabby houseboats built for only one family are instead occupied by three or more families.
- Try this: Shabby houseboats intended for one family are instead occupied by three or more.
- Don’t say this: There are delicate children who live in a specific urban zone.
- Try this: Delicate children live in a specific urban zone.
- Transition after a character blacks out.
- Don’t say this: When Daisy awoke after fighting with Ralph, she lay on the sofa under a soft blanket.
(You don’t need to refer to the previous scene, but you do need to indicate that where she ended up was a surprise.) - Try this: When Daisy awoke, she found herself on the sofa under a soft blanket.
- Don’t say this: When Daisy awoke after fighting with Ralph, she lay on the sofa under a soft blanket.
- Keep personal pronouns consistent.
- Don’t say this:
I saw where this was going. At any moment, the angry squid hurtling toward me could dig its tentacles in, sending me into shock. We always knew this could happen.
“I say!” Isabella shouted. ‘Can’t you dodge the damn thing?”
We stood frozen, not knowing what to do—a deer in the headlights sort of thing.
(Going from “I” to “we” is confusing.) - Try this:
I saw where this was going. At any moment, the angry squid hurtling toward me could dig its tentacles in, sending me into shock. I always knew this could happen.
“I say!” Isabella shouted. ‘Can’t you dodge the damn thing?”
I stood frozen, not knowing what to do—a deer in the headlights sort of thing.
- Don’t say this:
Here’s your prize: a word picture, aka poem.
Listen, Don’t Talk
Children, grown and gone, seek their own way.
Driven to build lives better than mine.
They breeze in, just visiting, their childhood home the past.
A new friend—an angel—begs me to heed.
“They need no rehash of rules, of what you’ve done to live.”
He says, “listen, and don’t speak,” with that angel smile of his.
He’s been there and is on the next parenting stage.
“Only when they ask, must you speak.
They are rulers of their lives, not beneath your thumb.”
“They make their own mistakes in a world so far from yours.
Let them go. Let them choose. Let them be.”
I wait, like he said, for them to come to me.