Here are five easy edits to help condense your prose and make it sing. At the end is a bonus poem.
No time at all: avoid unnecessary time elements such as began and before.
No: “If I may,” he began, before pulling off his jacket and stomping into the foul-smelling bathroom.
YES: “If I may,” he said, then pulled off his jacket and stomped into the foul-smelling bathroom
Reduce, reduce, reduce: Find simpler ways to say things to add impact.
NO: They took it out of their pocket.
YES: They took it from their pocket.
NO: She got off of her immediately, horrified by her ridiculous behavior.
YES: She got off her immediately, horrified by her ridiculous behavior.
NO: “Do you mind?” he asked, standing next to her, holding a drooling puppy.
YES: “Do you mind?” he asked, standing beside her, holding a drooling puppy.
Who is it? When do I use nobody and no one? Nobody is for casual usage, such as in dialog; no one is for literature. Be consistent.
NO: No body truly understood how angry she was from his near constant belittling.
YES: No one truly understood how angry she was from his near constant belittling.
NO: “No one wants to see what she looks like in the light of day,” he sneered. “Better in a dim bar, with a few drinks under your belt.”
YES: “Nobody wants to see what she looks like in the light of day,” he sneered. “Better in a dim bar, with a few drinks under your belt.”
Don’t start, just do: Don’t have your characters begin to do something, just have them do it. And don’t let things “come to mind.” The reader is already viewing things from the character’s perspective. You can, however, use start as a first step.
NO: Things changed between them, and it was time he started thinking of his own needs. With that in mind, he began to build a small wooden boat that slipped though the waves.
YES: Things changed between them; it was time to think of his own needs. To start, he built a small wooden boat that would slip though the waves.
Time of day. Use a.m. and p.m. correctly. (Yay! I just did!)
Aftermath
In death’s aftermath I weep, as moment-to-moment, my loss
screams its fresh, raw wound.
To bear witness to a beloved’s end game has been an honor. Saying what needed to be said, hearing that last breath. Walking away was hard.
Everywhere I turn, I see that kind face, feel that gentle hand, hear that beloved voice. They are in me still, and with me, every breath I take.
Weeks pass, then months as I yet flounder, asking why–my naïve question a needle poised against the balloon of hope. They are gone.
The empty room echoes, no voice answering, as I turn to share an event, a conversation. I am alone.
“How are you doing?” people ask, wanting me to feel better, to have recovered. “Fine,” I say and smile. There is no recovery.
More months pass, then a year, as the sprout of life peeks up though grief’s moist soil. My tears lessen. I yearn for more.
Time passes as the sun rises and sets and the wind picks up, foretelling rain. The hurt lessens, though memories sting. Love is worth the price.
I leap from my newly built life, needing to move on. I am still alive.
Yay! This glorious fall day—with rain about to commence—deserves a few editing tips; and here they are. Let’s crunch five crispy leaves.
Eliminate useless pronouns. Yikes! And while you’re at it, avoid mentioning thoughts; just think them.
No: She knew she couldn’t go on forever, but she wasn’t ready to stop—not yet. (There are too many she’s. And it’s already from her perspective: no need to spell out thoughts.)
Yes: She couldn’t go on forever, but wasn’t ready to stop—not yet.
Use the person’s name first, and then the pronoun.
No: Without years of intense therapy, anyone he looks at loses themselves in Randy’s mesmerizing eyes. (We don’t know who “he” is until the end of the sentence, and then we aren’t sure.)
Yes: Without years of intense therapy, anyone Randy looks at loses themselves in his mesmerizing eyes.
Don’t think too much.
No: She bent over, plucked the weeds from around the plants, and placed them in a pile beside her. It all takes so much work, she thought to herself. (No need to say that we think to ourselves. Aren’t we already in the person’s head?)
Yes: She bent over, plucked the weeds from around the plants, and placed them in a pile beside her. It took so much work.
Avoid pretty, very, all, any, and just unless in dialog—or it makes sense in the moment.
No: It was all a pretty big deal and he was very excited about it; all of his friends asked him to keep them informed of any invitations.
Yes: It was a big deal and he was thrilled; his friends asked him to pass on the invites.
Avoid overusing people’s names. No name dropping!
No: Collup liked a good kettle of collards. So Collup kept asking his big sister to make them. But, she’d moved out years ago, and didn’t answer Collup’s call.
Yes: Collup liked a good kettle of collards, so he kept asking his big sister to make them. Too bad, she’d moved out years ago, and didn’t answer his call.
Here’s your prize: a word picture, aka poem.
Autumn Song, by Wendy MacGown
Autumn leaves cling to rain soaked branches,
Tender spring and torrid summer past.
The sun peeks out over the trees,
Embossing brush-stoke-perfect pallets of crimson and gold
That drop in soft patters on the emerald grass below.
